I want to begin from the beginning if that's alright. We arrived in the early hours of New years eve morning, to a huge welcome from the CERMT team. We were almost smothered by their kisses and hugs, which was what we needed feeling a long way from home, and it was my first time in the USA! We were so unsure of what we had let ourselves in for, but the moment DougE placed those precious Angels in our hands, we felt the warmth and love that stayed with us for the rest of our time in NY.

We hit the road running on the first day. Neither Lynne or I had put into practice the massage routine DougE had sent us. We'd tried, but didn't know if we were doing it right. We got separated that day, but Phyllis and Chris were great to me, and spent the spare time we had before our first shift showing me how to use the chair, and the massage techniques.

My first experience of the work CERMT, FIRST and RESTA had been doing was at La Guardia Port Authority Police Department. The police officer who picked us up, started telling us how he was only a 100 yards from the 2nd tower when the first one went down. He believes if he'd been outside the first, he wouldn't be here. He said he was paying for counseling, which was helping him a lot. There was counseling on offer at work, but it wasn't practical for various reasons.

The guys at La G were quiet and subdued. It was New years eve, maybe there wasn't much to celebrate. I quietly thought of my folks at home at 7pm!

It was an amazing experience however, to see the appreciation and gratitude these people have for us and it was very humbling.

However the next day I was sick. My head hurt, I was losing my voice and I had no energy. I couldn't even lift a fork to eat! I was Devastated! I'd come all this way, to be knock out at the first round. I so wanted to work with Chris, but Lynne filled my place. I missed out on working at St Pauls too later that night. I just needed to catch up on some sleep.

By Weds I was Ok enough to be put back to work. This time I was able to work with Lynne, which was great. We went to JFK PAPD. We worked solidly form 7pm to 11.30pm. It didn't feel like 4 and a 1/2 hours. For the first time I felt on a high. The guys all loved us, gave us hugs and kisses, and were just so appreciative. They were amazed Lynne and I came from England just for them. They kept asking us why!!! They made such a fuss of us, kept feeding us until it became embarrassing! Not that we had any time to eat, just grab a forkful of food between massages!

The next day after little sleep (due to my cough mostly) I went with Nyssa to St Pauls. I had been looking forward to this, as Lynne had talked about what a special place it was. I admitted to being a little worried about being able to work for 6 hours on my own, feeling as tired as I was, so Karen stayed with me. I wanted her to go, she'd been up all night there, I just wanted to work for maybe 3 hours, but she stayed! I hardly had time to take in the atmosphere of the church. It was awe inspiring with cards from children all over the walls, pews, everywhere. There were posters and flags hanging from the ceiling, pictures from schoolchildren for the firemen, so much love and support for the rescue workers pinned tacked and glued to every available place. There were volunteers serving food and drink 24 hours a day for the workers from Ground Zero. This place was not opened to the public, but was a sanctuary for the police, firefighters, construction workers and volunteers themselves. St Pauls is a special place. It's certainly blessed standing so close to the site of the WTC, and surviving without even a cracked pane of glass. It reminded me of our own St Pauls Cathedral during the Blitz of WW2. All around that special cathedral was utter destruction and devastation. Hardly anything was left standing, except St Pauls. And it had happened again. God is truly telling us something. The love we have for one another will not be beaten down by a few madmen.

I worked on a construction worker. It was his last day, and he didn't want me to work too long on him, he wanted me to spend my time on the rescue workers. I told him he would get the full works! He had had to work 30 days without a break, and when I asked if he would be back, the look in his eyes as he said No, made me realize he'd seen things he wouldn't want to see again. He was treating himself to everything he could get that day from St Pauls, and rightly so. I hope he got some counseling too.

But my time there was short, and too brief. Karen whisked me away through concern for my throat,bless her, the atmosphere still being toxic. I was disappointed but Karen's care for me came first. I got to work with her again later in the day and with Sylla, which was fantastic, as Sylla was my first connection with CERMT back in October, when I answered her e-mail appeal for volunteers. We'd become good friends on the Internet, and now she was caring for me too,giving me vitamins, lotions and potions for my voice!!!

But that evening, back in my room, I lost it again. I was so jealous of Lynne seeing so much and doing so much more than me. I really needed her close to me, I don't know why. She's become my soulmate, and it was like functioning without a right arm when I was apart from her. I wish I knew why I was feeling that way. I guess I felt that I hadn't fully fulfilled my reason for being there. I still hadn't been to a fire station (the MAIN reason for coming for me) and I'd missed out on St Pauls. I was becoming emotional already!

The next day we worked together. We worked with DougE and Karen, first at Safe Horizons, a center for battered women, who have been funding the work CERMT and FIRST have been doing in NY. We worked on the office girls and social workers. These people have worked hard, especially in the beginning sending money to those who needed it, putting people up in hotels who lost their apartments, that sort of thing. Everyone in NY has a story to tell, knows someone personally who was there on Sept 11th. Its such a moving city. Wherever Lynne and I went people came up to us, hugged us for being there. Our hearts have been swept away with all the love we've experienced.

My last shift was at the landfill site. Again I was with Lynne, DougE and Karen. That place will haunt me forever for its bleakness not only in its landscape which has a lunar appearance, it's atmosphere was hushed apart from the bleep bleep of its trucks moving tirelessly over it, the smell was awful, was it really human remains that was causing it,..... not wanting to believe it. All the guys we worked on were a little subdued. One Lieutenant started telling me things he'd seen. I wasn't working on him,just standing chatting, and had to be pulled away from him as people were waiting for a massage. It was a shame, but maybe just as well. You always get the feeling that you shouldn't really let them do this. I wouldn't want them to let go if they're not ready, but then again if they want to talk.................?

We had laugh with some of these guys. Laughter is such a healer, and why shouldn't we laugh? The release in tension was almost palpable, as they cracked a few jokes. These guys were my special guys, I hadn't been to a fire station where they'd lost people or witnessed such horrors as these people had. If any of the police and firefighters I'd worked on had, then I'm sorry, I didn't know, But these people were in amongst the remains of thousands of people who'd lost their lives that day, and they were all so desperate to positively identify these remains for their loved ones. The stories they told are so harrowing that this isn't the place to tell them.

I want to finish on a high. I want to come back. There's so much work to be done. Sometimes I ask myself why am I wanting to help another country, shouldn't I leave it now, I've done my bit,.... look at the work I could do in England? But I'm hooked, I'm addicted to New York. A little bit of me is still there waiting for me to return and carry on. And I will, God willing.

Kim
(UK)