I have spent the last week in New York City volunteering massage on the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I met fireman, police officers, laborers, ironworkers, sanitation workers, EMT's and volunteers from all over the country. I worked at a firehouse in Chinatown; at JFK and La Guardia Airports on the Port Authority Police; the Staten Island Landfill where all the debris is being taken and sifted through; at Safe Horizons with social workers that are counseling the workers and victims; at St Paul's Church, which is a safe haven for workers to eat and sleep.

Someone asked me what has changed about me since being in New York City everything. You cannot stand in Ground Zero and not be changed. You cannot meet men and women who are working 12-15 hours per day, six and seven days per week for 4 months and not be changed.

I have met the best of human kind. Selfless, courageous, loving, caring, unwilling to stop until all is cleaned up. Life will never be the same for anyone who was alive on September 11, 2001. Especially, for those of us who have somehow played a part in the relief effort. People who are not familiar with the power of massage therapy laugh when I tell them I am part of an emergency response team. They say "emergency massage‚ ok." But I can tell you firsthand that there are thousands of men and women in NYC who now understand the importance of an emergency response massage team.

I was at the Staten Island Landfill working on a gentlemen when I looked over and saw another gentleman slouched, eyes full of sadness and fatigue and he was waiting for the next available chair. My first thought was "that man needs a hug." I had the honor of being the next available therapist. He is a New York City Detective who had been sitting at a sifter looking for remnants of individuals or evidence for the last 10 hours. His neck was sore, body tired and emotionally he appeared drained. I talked to him not of the destruction but rather about "normal life." We talked of his two children, the dog he wanted to get when all this was over, he asked of my family and my life. We talked and occasionally laughed as I did my best to relieve the tension that had built up in his neck and back. After 15 minutes he sat up with the warmest, whitest, brightest smile I have ever seen in my life. I thanked him for all of the hard work he is doing. He thanked me with the biggest hug that you could ever imagine. The tears swelled in my eyes as I squeezed this 6 foot 200 lb man as hard as I could. Prior to this trip I could never have imagined how 15 minutes could change someone's life so dramatically. Each person who received a massage, who handed me a cup of coffee, or who told me his or her story changed my life forever.

On day four I was assigned to St Paul's Church, which is across the street from Ground Zero. This is the closest I had been to the destruction as of yet. I knew after my shift was over I would make the journey to see the destruction firsthand. But what I didn't know that morning was how up close I was about to see it. One of the gentlemen I worked on that morning offered to drive me into Ground Zero, to see if from the workers perspective. The voice inside my head quickly said "NO" yet my ears heard the word "yes" come out of my mouth. That afternoon I went into Ground Zero with another therapist from my team and a chiropractor that was working next to us. My chest quickly tightened with anxiety as we entered the gates. The pictures I had seen on TV and in newspapers did not justify how enormous the sight actually was. The two men driving us through told stories some I had heard on the news others were new, hearing it firsthand brought the impact so much harder. I could see the American Express Building draped in a black veil like a woman morning her husband, a perfect cross left in the destruction that was formed by two steel beams, two baseballs placed on the cross by a family that lost their 24-year-old son. The devastation and destruction goes beyond words. My tears were stuck in my heart, my mind not wanting to fathom what I was actually seeing.

One of the workers offered us each a piece of the marble wall from Building 5 of the World Trade Center. Again the thoughts enter my mind of whether I should accept it:

          Is it morbid? Is it right or wrong? What will others think?
          This is death? Do I want this destruction?

But as I held it, the feelings where completely different than what my mind thought. Initially it was a piece of destruction, it is now a building block of healing that has brought me together with the most amazing group of people that I have ever met in my life. This is a piece of history from my life the biggest event in my lifetime. It represents the healing and transformation of this country and of the world. I proudly accepted this man's gift of thanks and will never forget the two men who drove us through Ground Zero.

I pray that those of you, who were not there, never have to witness the destruction that I saw. I pray that I never have to work in such horror that these workers are in everyday.

These are but a few of the many more stories that I could tell of my trip. Stories that make me laugh, stories that make me cry. The last story, is of the massage therapists and aroma therapists that I have had the privilege of working with during the week. They came from coast to coast, Alaska, and England to give of their love and expertise. I love each one of you from the deepest depths of my heart. You are a part of my soul for eternity. I will see you when I return in March.

Peace and Love,
Terri Urban, LMBT
Carolina Emergency Response Massage Team